In Media Res

When I first saw Việt Nam, it was the year I got into UC Santa Cruz, the second-to-last in a string of colleges that kept my eye on the education prize while my mind still wandered, angry and discontent with the person I had become or angry at people in general.  It was obvious that I was distracted in every pursuit of higher education, not because I didn’t want a degree and the career that would summarily accompany it, but because there was a preconceived identity that went alongside it.  College asks for a choice—to be something or define something about yourself.  “I want to be” or “I am interested in” become the guidance counselors of definitive answers of who we are intent on becoming.  Throughout my life, I knew that the philosophy of being was something to be questioned.  Who was I? Where did I come from?  How did I get here?  Where do I go now?  Choosing a college major, a thread of temporal existence, was to define oneself in strict methodologies that were assigned and cultivated for you—a string of CRNs paving the journey to a diploma that offered a modicum of expertise and a crafted identity.  I worked, for many years, to gain access to science and the fields that would develop my aptitude for inquiry and investigation in return for a lucrative or respectful career.  Although my interest in science never disappeared, somehow, I ended up falling into the familiar valley of literature and English, my ability to write prose and analyze other people’s writing an easy route to follow despite the absence of a clear-cut path to a career with an English degree.  But this, of course, wasn’t until I returned home from Việt Nam in 1996—my journey into existentialism realized there alongside street-side cafés and a myriad of experiences interacting with people who did not care for me or who, at best, tolerated my existence.  I spent most of the time catching the sideways glances and curt words of people looking down upon me a someone that shouldn’t be—who had no worth in that country.  Oddly, I would have to agree.

I studied in Việt Nam as a student, foregoing Santa Cruz for a study abroad in Southeast Asia.  I went to history and language classes with my fellow students but the history of Việt Nam, even in its fascinating complexities, could not compare to the personal history I was trying to learn and uncover.  The various conquests of Lê Thái Tổ or the overthrow of each dynasty held little sway over the mind of someone who was contemplating the insurrection of their own being—a violent, ripping apart of my soul and identity in a war that I would carry with me forever.  Or, maybe it was because the instructor was foreign herself and the authenticity of studying the history of Việt Nam was much less glamorous delivered by someone who could never truly speak to it, especially at that time.  Moreover, textbooks are never that accurate and would not contain the chapter on “Orphans of War” that would explain a semblance of my storied past.  So, a great deal of my post-secondary education that year came from not going to school or classes—resisting the formality of four walls, peeled paint, and wooden desks, and instead, studying the culture and history of Việt Nam from an outsider’s point of view.  Most days, 20,000 VND offered me a lot more education than the paid tuition of my study abroad experience.  For $1 USD, I could catch a ride on the back of a xe máy, a motorbike, and make my way to nearly any street that I wanted to go to in Hanoi.  Thirty cents would get me lunch and another twenty an ice cream at Fanny’s just on the south side of Hoàn Kiếm Lake.  My $6 USD per diem was meant to support an American exchange student at 3x the actual cost of a bowl of phở across the street from our dormitories. I learned that the extra money I pocketed from eating and spending frugally would save me on the nights I had to shell out extra money for those still wielding AK-47s.

Meanwhile, my friends still persisted in their pursuit of traditional education and sometimes, I would find them walking back from classes just as the xe máy dropped me off at the gates of the housing complex.  I took my liberty without asking for it because I could and because I had to. There was no other way to figure out who I was except by rejecting everything I was before—a model student, an obedient daughter, a person whose beginning, middle, and end could be found in the worn pages of an aging textbook or in the papers I first traveled with.  But as I swiftly learned, there was no beginning, middle and end.  Only in media res, the midst of things, where life doesn’t ask for who you are but instead, asks for who you are not.

Dear Adoption, I’m Tired.

Worn out from years of explaining who I am and who I am not. I have grown weary of trying to assimilate into countries and cultures that ask me to be for them and not with them. I have grown fatigued of tracing a story that befits only a partial narrative, left only with speculation and the inability to reconcile the truth of the story. And I am one of the lucky ones—one of those whose story gaps were nearly filled after looking so long for the answer. But there are no complete answers, only more questions. I am tired of the questions left hanging like a string of lights above my head, filaments twisted on the inside and no longer producing a spark. They will remain unchanged—my once-steady hand exhausted from stretching out to change the bulb, the ladder I’ve used all these years weakened from my constant climb. I ache, after 40 years, from the moments I had to reel myself back in from feelings of loss and inadequacy, trying to find value in a space that wanted to compartmentalize me: my feelings, my worth, my identity. I am weakened by decades of trying to articulate what it means to be adopted, knowing that even in the best circumstance I could have been given, in many ways, I still lost. I was lost. Shuffled under damp blankets that suffocated me, weighted down by tears that accumulated in the taut threads of longing and silent suffering. Words left swallowed back down when I knew that I could not say what I felt. Hurt. Lonely. Sad. Simple statements you’re not allowed to voice because you’ll sound foolish. Ungrateful. Incomprehensible. I have typed out these ideas over decades—arthritic fingers connecting with black keys that are stiff from constant use, trying to capture the sentiments that sound like a betrayal to what I have been given. But they’re not. They’re just words, coalescing over waterfalls of ambiguity that I have lived with all these years. They’re just thoughts, simmering under surfaces of loss that I drag behind me. I am exhausted from pulling. The ropes are beginning to fray from the weight of all the time I was trying to find my worth because of one moment that makes you feel worthless forever. I am tired, Adoption. Not because you gave me everything but because sometimes, you gave me nothing.

First published on DearAdoption.com November 14, 2017.

Why Me.

I haven’t written in awhile. Most of my well-intentioned musings are stored in opaque jars on a shelf called, “I’ll get to it someday.” Occasionally, I’ll get one down, turning the dusty jar with tired hands, opening the lid and examining the contents as if it were a spice I could still use for cooking. Some have expired. Even if I were to extract the contents, the meaning is long gone, trapped within the recesses of my memory—forever. It is complicated being a writer. My thoughts start to build into entire essays when all I want to do is put down the right sentence before the turn of phrase eludes me. I miss the words. Spun just right, I am a weaver of silk that can touch the senses with delicate thread and soft colors. You will remember me in the lasting impression of lightness and texture you cannot explain. It is a gift and one that I am grateful for, if only for a place to rest my tumbled thoughts, the pillow that cradles my head crisp and white underneath the boldness of black Arial font. I recently decided to open a jar, shaking lose the fragments of another time, working to piece them together in the present.

Continue reading Why Me.